Seven Questions With

Seven Questions With… Joel Dommett

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Stand up comic and Impractical Joker Joel Dommett is returning to the Edinburgh Festival this year with a new hour of comedy in his show Conquer. Having appeared on Sweat The Small Stuff and Russell Howard’s Good News in recent times as well as working as a presenter for MTV and team captain on Reality Bites, Joel is now an instantly recognisable face on the entertainment circuit.
I asked Joel these seven questions to learn more…

1) Who would make you most nervous if they were in your audience at a gig?

Good comedians in my audience frighten me. Last year at Altitude comedy festival in the Alps I did a gala gig and on the balcony watching with kind judging eyes were Tommy Tiernan, Al Murray, John Bishop, Daniel Sloss and lots of other sweet laughter creators. I was petrified until the moment I heard Al’s excellently distinguishable chuckle, then I relaxed into it and did utterly above average. 

2) Are you easily embarrassed?

I used to be but comedy tends to squeeze your shame into a tiny corner of your brain and you only get it out on very rare occasions. 

© Idil Sukan

© Idil Sukan

3) Is there a celebrity that you like, yet everyone else seems to hate?

Loads. I like people, films and music that everyone hates. One Direction covers all those bases. 

4) What is your favourite type of weather?

Probably sunny times. Unless I happen to be in a paddling pool on top of a hill, in that case it’s thunder and lightening. Exhilarating.

5) Did you enjoy school?

Yes. For the most part. Once a guy threatened me and said that tomorrow he was going to fight me. I went home, made a 24 minute video of me doing nunchucks in my garden, put it on VHS then sent it through his letter box. On the front in black marker pen it said “this is what I’m capable of”. It didn’t work. 

6) Which sitcom (old or new) would you most like to star in?

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia… It’s the bestest. 

7) What would you never recommend?

Spending hours making a video of you doing a dance based weapon martial art in your garden and sending it to a bully. The bullying will only increase.

JOEL DOMMETT BRINGS HIS SHOW ‘CONQUER’ TO THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL THIS AUGUST

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Aisling Bea

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Aisling Bea is a popular face on the comedy scene these days, with her most notable recent television appearances including her role in The Delivery Man and performing stand up at last month’s Channel Four Comedy Gala. With gorgeous Irish charm and a sharp wit, Aisling is fast becoming one of one of the nation’s (and my own) most loved comics, both on television and the live comedy circuit.
I asked Aisling these seven questions to find out more about her…
Lisa Thompson

© Lisa Thompson

1) What stops you from being bored?

Having a nap in the middle of the day and not having to hang out with myself. I find being with myself an utter bore sometimes. Naps are one of the purest joys I know. 

2) Are comedians cool?

Only the ones who don’t think about being cool. Being cool is like not thinking, once you start thinking about not thinking, you are not not thinking. (Cool answer by me there).

3) Do you have any phobias? 

Pigeons, or “sky rats” as I call them and also rats, or “land pigeons” as I call them. They serve no purpose but sadness and destruction and they are not afraid of us and I’m convinced I will die owing to an ambush from a gang of pigeon-rats. 

4) What is your favourite Irish phrase?

“Well, you’re doing well for yourself, aren’t you?” (Said with the implication of shock).

5) Is there a comedian you wish you were more like?

Yes, Sara Pascoe. Watching her do stand up makes me feel, as an audience member, enlightened and full of laughter, but as a comic, wishing that I had what she had and could say what she says in the way that she says it. She is so clever and such a good writer and is thoroughly respected by all and sundry in the comedy world. 

6) Are you a pleasure to be around?

I am an utter delight when I’ve had a few drinks, but when I’m sober people wonder if I’m drunk or what exactly is happening here. 

7) Do you think university is important?

I think education is and staying in it for as long as possible (well unless you are avoiding growing up by doing embroidery courses that your parents pay for until you’re 43). But if you can’t afford it, I would say try to do a half and half, do a course that you love and a job you don’t care about so you can keep your options open. Work experience will always stand to you rather than just keeping your nose in books for twenty years.

I studied French and Philosophy for four years and spent most of that time in the drama society acting and writing and not going to university much. What I learned during that time stands to me still, as do the relationships and friendships I made. I think getting out and going and seeing the world and meeting people is very important and then you can find new bits of yourself from new types of people who make you feel and become things you didn’t know.

So give yourself a chance to learn and work out who you are during that time. And if you get the chance later to go back and learn something and didn’t get it the first time round, do. There is always time to give something a go. I started stand up much later than some of my peers and some of my friends have had whole other careers before giving it a go. Not everyone knows what or who they want to be at 18, give yourself time to find it. And also stay away from drugs and all fizzy canned drinks.

AISLING BEA BRINGS HER LATEST SHOW ‘PLAN BEA’ TO THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL IN AUGUST

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Carl Donnelly

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Stand up comedian Carl Donnelly is rapidly rising in popularity on the British comedy scene with appearances on Mock The Week and Russell Howard’s Good News. As well as this, Carl is also involved in podcasting with fellow comic Chris Martin, which has lead to the duo becoming regular Fubar Radio presenters. Carl Donnelly brings his new show Jive Ass Honky to this year’s Edinburgh Festival.
To find out more, I asked Carl these seven questions…

1) Do you enjoy social media?

I tend to be spending less and less time on social media as am losing patience with people’s behaviour and general obsession with it. I tend to enjoy Twitter during major sporting or cultural events. You can be sitting at home on your own watching the TV but still be part of a group chat about whatever it is that you’re watching. The flip side is that 99% of the time, social media is just a cavalcade of ill thought out opinions stated as facts. Humans naturally have the capacity to be twats but social media gives us a medium to really let that side of us run free.  

2) What character trait do you most envy in others?

Objectivity. It’s rare you meet someone who genuinely can step outside of them-self before forming an opinion. The above answer about social media refers to the 99% of people who can’t do just that. Online is where you see the lack of this trait the most. Everyone is in such a rush to say their piece that they haven’t had enough time to form an informed opinion so what you get is a load of shit they’re spouting in the heat of the moment.  I’m getting better at being more mindful in my opinions but still have the odd blowout where I get my blinkers on and just lose it. I had an argument with a mate in a pub a few months back regarding Ched Evans (the ex-footballer now charged rapist) where I almost got kicked out of the pub because I was shouting about rape apologists. 

3) You’ve performed stand-up on a plane? How did you find it?

It would make the top five list of ‘The most nervous I’ve ever been’. I get really nervous if I do a gig where the conditions are abnormal. In a comedy club or theatre, its set up for comedy so I know what I’m getting into but on the plane, the passengers didn’t know there was going to be comedy until they were boarding and were informed. Then I basically got introduced by the cabin crew about half way through the flight and had to do my set at the front of the plane using the weird phone that they make announcements through. Everything was set up for it to be terrible but weirdly, they got excited that they were part of such a strange experience so we ended up having loads of fun. It’s lucky as if I would have had a bad gig and then had to just sit back down among them, I would probably have stabbed myself to death with a plastic fork.

4) Can you draw?

Not that well anymore. I used to do a lot of drawing/painting/sculpture during my school and college days. I was a very strange teenager in that I was a bit of a wide boy who smoked, drank and shoplifted but also had this weird love of contemporary art. I would bunk off school to hang out at the Tate (this was pre Tate Modern which is now one of my favourite hangouts). I used to go to life drawing classes as well during my late teens so was quite handy at drawing nudes but was the only person in the class who wasn’t a pensioner so just looked like a creep!

5) If you could interview a comedy hero, who would it be?

I think Norm MacDonald would be amazing to interview. He’s one of my all-time favourite comedians but he’s also so funny when he appears on chat shows (and on his podcast which I highly recommend) that I have every confidence that he’d live up to my expectation. His live album ‘Me Doing Stand-Up’ is probably my favourite comedy album.

6) Why are you a vegan?

I got to a point about three years ago where the guilt of eating and wearing animal products was no longer outweighed by the ease of doing so. I made the decision and just tapped out and have felt a million times better mentally and physically since. I was living with a constant feeling of disappointment in myself for continuing to do something I felt was wrong. I was basically making myself feel like shit through sheer laziness. I now feel good and can sit back and enjoy watching carnivores get really annoyed about veganism. 

7) Will you ever get bored of stand up?

I’d like to think I won’t but you never know. Some of my favourite comedians have taken a break at some point despite still churning out great new stuff so it’s obviously not an uncommon thing to happen. I love the process of writing a new show and previewing it etc trying to get it perfect so that cycle keeps me excited and interested. Who knows what will happen if I ever feel like I’ve run out of things to say. Maybe I’ll have to go and get a proper job!

CARL DONNELLY WILL BE PERFORMING HIS NEW SHOW ‘JIVE ASS HONKY’ AT THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL FROM 5TH-30TH AUGUST

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Felicity Ward

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With recent appearances on Russell Howard’s Good News and Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled, Australian comedian Felicity Ward has made quite a name for herself in the UK. She recently presented a documentary called Felicity’s Mental Mission, which explored the stigmas surrounding mental health, and will be performing her latest show What If There Is No Toilet? at this year’s Edinburgh Festival,  where she discusses her experiences with IBS and anxiety.
I asked Felicity these seven questions…

1) What are the biggest difficulties with being an Australian comic when gigging in the UK?

Trying to convince British audiences that I have something to say that might interest them. I feel a lot of them sit there when I walk on thinking, “What could you possibly have to say that will make me laugh. After all, we made you.” Occasionally I get to buck that trend.

2) Are sharks just misunderstood?

That’s a great question and I’m glad you brought that up. In short. Yes. In Long: More people die from choking than sharks, but you don’t see people going on a throat cull do you? I think Jaws did a lot of damage to the “brand”. If Free Willy was a shark instead of a whale, we might have a new generation of shark conservationists. And a lot better shark merch.

3) Do you think that worrying is ever useful?

It’s really good if your goal is to have wrinkles and stomach ulcers. Then you’ve really nailed it. Also some decisions take time to get right: you can’t just waltz up to a buffet and put any old shit on your plate. You need to deliberate. Situation: you’re looking at some buffet prawns, but you realise you’re in a landlocked area. Should you worry about food poisoning? Yes. Should you worry about missing out on discount seafood? Yes. You see? Lot to worry about. It can be very useful.

4) What personality traits make a comedian?

Poverty. Desperation. Some poor parenting seems to help. That’s really it.

5) Do you listen to movie soundtracks?

I bloody love a compilation and soundtracks are the ultimate. Footloose and Blues Brothers soundtracks were the first double sided (recorded illegally from a friend) cassette tape I ever owned. Yes, cassette. Back in the Jurassic period. Big Chill. Amazing soundtrack. Pulp Fiction. Obviously. But I don’t really do musicals.

6) What inspires you?

I’m very inspired by sleep. Sleep, cups of tea, staring out the window, buying individual tracks off a “best of” album knowing full well that Nelly never had 18 hits.

7) What would you tell your younger self?

Stay weird: It’ll give you the basis for a lot of material in later years. Oh, also, you grow into your nose and that undercut is a terrible idea.

FELICITY WARD WILL BE PERFORMING HER LATEST SHOW AT THE PLEASANCE COURTYARD THROUGHOUT AUGUST.

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Sofie Hagen

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Sofie Hagen is a Danish stand up comic and podcaster. Winning the Chortle award for best newcomer in 2014, Hagen has successfully established herself on the British comedy scene, with her willingness to discuss more personal matters such as mental health and body image. Her podcast Comedians Telling Stuff (which Sofie briefly mentions below) is available online now and she brings her debut hour Bubblewrap to the Edinburgh Festival this August.
To find out more about Sofie, I asked her these seven questions…

1) What is your favourite comedy project that you have been involved in?

I did a sketch with a famous Danish actor called Kim Bodnia in Denmark once. It was all improvised and he tried to kiss me. I think the idea behind that thought was that I was going to say no. But I jumped up on the table that separated us and completely snogged his brains out. He is one of my favourite actors and I was just starstruck to be in the same room as him. Oh, did I mention that he’s 50 years old and slightly looks like my dad? Whenever I see him in a film, I blush. I genuinely feel like we had something. This is why I am not an actor. I would get way too attached.

© Karla Howlett

© Karla Howlett

2) Do you ever wear pyjamas in public?

Way too often, considering that I am techincally an adult. In Denmark, where I’m from, you can barely walk down any street without running into someone you know. Your old science teacher, your ex-boydriend, your dad… And then you meet the next person! I am just kidding, we have surprisingly little incest in Denmark. Anyways, so I moved to London where I can walk for miles (I rarely walk more than a mile) and meet NO ONE. So I started doing my grocery shopping in my pyjamas. The whole lot- two different shoes, only one sock, chocolate on my cheek. And I do not give a fuck. I probably should.

3) What item of food reminds you of your childhood?

Chips of chocolate that has been melted together. When I was a child, our fridge died overnight and what seemed like thuosands of chocolate chips melted into one huge lump that my mother let me eat. She regretted that later on, when I started turning off the fridge on a weekly basis so I could get muyself a big lump of chocolate.

4) Do you enjoy being scared?

No. Why would I? It doesn’t make sense to enjoy being scared. It’s like when women say they love “bad boys”. Why? Why would you? ‘Bad’ means, well, bad. Don’t come crying to me later and be all “Oh, I can’t believe he did this to me!”- really? The fact that he was a bad boy didn’t at all give you ANY clues as to what his future behaviour was going to be like? Scared is the same thing. So no. Because I quite like being very certain that I am not going to be eaten or killed anytime soon.

5) Is podcasting a neglected art form?

As someone who does their own podcast (www.comedianstellingstuff.com), I would definitely say that it IS a neglected art form. Because my podcast (www.comedianstellingstuff.com) is definitely art (www.comedianstellingstuff.com) and everyone should stop neglecting it (my podcast: www.comedianstellingstuff.com) and go to my website (www.comedianstellingstuff.com) and listen to it. Here is the web address: www.comedianstellingstuff.com.

6) Are you a gracious loser?

I was once on a date with a guy and we were being flirty and silly. When we both had to go to the bathroom at the sae time, he said jokingly, “Let’s see who gets back first!” and I ran to the bathroom. I did come back first, but in my desperation to win the little stupid competition, I had torn my underwear into three pieces, trying to get it off quickly- and I had not really washed my hands. So no. I am not.

7) Are you interested in living for as long as possible?

Yes! I want to be one of those old ladies that does not give a fuck anymore. I will be the opposite of what I am now: I will go to the grocery store wearing pink sequin leggings and a crop top and fake dementia and steal lots of stuff. Flirt with everyone, do fetish porn (no one I know will be alive anyways) and learn how to breakdance. Turn off my fridge every week and eat lumps of chocolate.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT SOFIE HAGEN’S EDINBURGH RUN, VISIT HER WEBSITE.

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Malcolm Head

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Malcolm Head is a very interesting performer who has recently supported Paul Foot on his UK tour. His style of stand up is distinctly recognisable with its bursts of poetry, “heckle gaps” and lengthy comic pauses, as is his performance attire which includes his trusty National Trust cap and mysterious rucksack of possessions. His haikus are little insights into an entirely new world, a microcosm of the strange, the dull and the ordinary, all culminated into three lines. He’s concise, he’s unpredictable and he is absolutely hilarious.
I asked Malcolm these seven questions to learn a little more about him…

1) What is your favourite aspect of live performance?

I love being able to be silly for 20 minutes. I’m fairly introverted, and acutely aware of the drudgery of everyday life. And for me, acting like a tit for 20 minutes releases a lot of tension built up by all that drudgery.

I’ve never used the word drudgery before but as you can see, it’s here to stay now. Drudgery. Difficult to rhyme with though. Fudgery? A place where you make fudge?

2) Do you enjoy gardening?

Yes, but I don’t have a garden. But I like the sort of gentle, and slightly pointless, labour involved in gardening. Toiling away all day to remove weeds that just come back. I also get the impression that it’s much easier to just do gardening than it is to just do, say, architecture or engineering. Landscape gardening maybe is more complex, but simply pulling up a few flowers is within the remit of ‘gardening’. 

Also, I don’t like Alan Titchmarsh but I’m not at liberty to explain why. Just trust me when I say, he’s a bad egg.

Malcolm Head

3) Which book do you wish you had written?

All of them. All of the books.

If I had written all of the books then I’d be the only authority on any subject. It’d be great. There’d be no debate over who caused the First World War, for example. I’d just say ‘I know I’ve written 25,000 books conveying various perspectives on who caused the First World War, but I’ve now decided once and for all. It wasn’t anyone really, it just sort of happened. Case closed’.

Also this means I’d have written 50 Shades Of Grey and Gravity’s Rainbow, so I’d not only be loaded but also respected by critics. 

4) Should badgers be culled?

I don’t think anything should be culled and especially not badgers. They just dig about and eat insects. Like kids really. Fantastic.

I do actually think one thing should be culled – members of the House of Lords. A few of them are probably ok but mostly they’re stuffy, miserable, unelected and over-privileged gas-bags. Compare them to badgers and you’ll see it’s a no-brainer. Badgers are neither elected nor unelected – they’re just there. They’re under-privileged if anything. Maybe some are stuffy but overall they’re far better than members of the House of Lords.

5) Are you a good liar?

I’m good at telling white lies, but very bad at telling serious lies. 

So, for example, if I needed to tell someone that a casserole they made was great despite being average at best, I’d be fine. ‘This is a great casserole, Tina’ I’d say, and Tina would believe me. And potentially give me more – this approach can backfire.

If, however, I needed to say ‘we are going to bomb Iraq because they definitely have nuclear weapons’ even though I knew they probably didn’t, I’d have a problem. ‘We are going to bomb Iraq, which is fine because they have nuclear weapons, Tina’ I’d say. But I’d be looking elsewhere and giggling, and Tina would see right through me.

6) What is the best room in the house?

The scullery. I think it’s something to do with a kitchen – I’ve never seen one. But the name is sensational. Imagine bringing a date home and saying ‘this is my scullery’. Wait, scullery rhymes with drudgery! Sort of!

‘So to remove their daily drudgery,
The lovers fought in the scullery’

7) Who do you most enjoy watching perform live comedy?

So many people. Simon Munnery is one of my faves. Gavin Webster is so brilliant – great jokes but with a constant glint of madness, so exciting to watch. There’s a huge amount of fantastic young comedians like Rhys James and Fin Taylor who I love. Daniel Simonsen. Richard Herring. Tim Key. Paul Foot. I also loved Mitch Hedberg growing up. 

Seven Questions With… Fern Brady

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Fern BradyHaving appeared on 8 out of 10 Cats and The Alternative Comedy Experience, and getting to the final of So You Think You’re Funny in 2011, Fern Brady has proven herself to be not only an able performer, but an exciting and versatile one too. Her material is homely, honest and personal, with occasional distasteful elements that delight the devil in all of us, and she will be bringing her latest stand up show People Are Idiots to the Edinburgh festival in August.
To learn more about Fern, I asked her these seven questions…

1) What is the oldest trick in the book?

Telling guys “Of course I’ve had a recent AIDS test!” then looking indignant and adding quietly “Besides… it’s not like I normally do this.” Works every time. Did you mean a comedy trick?

2) Are you particularly interested in politics?

I thought I was really into it but my boyfriend works in politics and listening to him read out all the different electoral seats in Scotland last night in a robotic monotone made me realise we all have different interpretations of the phrase ‘interested in politics’.

3) What quality do you most look for in others?

In friends: to have none of my unappealing traits. In lovers: openness to new experiences (e.g. threeways). In audiences: servile devotion.

4) Is there a noticeable difference between gigging in Scotland and England?

Nope, except when I die at gigs in England I try to persuade myself it’s cause they’re having trouble understanding my accent, which is a pretty big lie to sell given the hundreds of gigs I’ve done all over England where everyone totally knew what I was saying. I’d say the biggest difference is gigs in the north and south of England, I find I end up doing different types of material depending on where I am. 

5) Are you good at maths?

Not at all, I got kicked out of Standard Grade maths at school a lot, I was really wilfully bad at it cause I remember being in the top class then getting booted into the General level one, then eventually Foundation maths with the proper plebs. None of the maths teachers at my school were a great advert for maths though, they were all semi-literate nerds from Coatbridge and I gave up on them completely when they spelled my punishment exercises wrong.

I smugly told the head of maths I’d never need maths but at the time I think I thought I’d be a famous novelist and not the undignified clown I ended up being.

6) What is your favourite television comedy of 2015 so far?

Hmm. Well. There are so many great comedy shows but I’d have to say the thing that stands out is my BBC Comedy Feed Radges, which is about when I was in a pupil referral unit for mental teens. That hasn’t been released yet but PLEASE WATCH IT SO I CONTINUE TO GET WORK.

I generally prefer stuff on Netflix and Amazon Prime so my favourite recent shows are Transparent, Orange is the New Black and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I know the first two aren’t sitcoms but I find comedy drama way funnier than a lot of sitcoms.

7) What is your proudest achievement?

Getting off with two women from the audience of one of my gigs. I’m basically the Hugh Hefner of the UK comedy circuit.

FERN BRADY WILL BE PERFORMING HER STAND UP SHOW, PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS, AT THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL (THE STAND) ON THE 6TH-30TH AUGUST

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Ed Gamble

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Ed Gamble

Ed Gamble (half of stand up and podcasting double act Peacock & Gamble) is a comedian that is fast becoming a regular face on television, with appearances on Russell Howard’s Good News, Virtually Famous and Sweat the Small Stuff. He is a regular presenter on Fubar Radio as well as co-writing the critically acclaimed Peacock and Gamble Podcast. Ed will be performing his second solo show Lawman at Canon’s Gait (1.15pm) at this year’s Edinburgh festival.
To find out a little more, I asked Ed these seven questions…

1) Hands for feet or feet for hands?

Hands for feet, definitely. I’m not a zoologist but I’m pretty sure that’s what chimps have and they have a brilliant life what with all the hanging out up trees and laughing. Also, feet for hands would make eating rather unwieldy and there’s nothing more demeaning than trying to hammer a load of mash into your mouth using a size 11. Especially up a tree. I’ve confused myself now.

2) Did you have any awful jobs before your career in comedy?

Not really- I’ve been quite lucky. I did have a job for a bit where I would have to get up at 4.45 am and go to an office to listen to a lot of local radio and note down every time a company was mentioned. To this day I don’t know why. I never asked either. I make a perfect unquestioning drone worker.  

3) Describe your perfect day?

A lovely walk followed by a smashing breakfast and a very strong coffee. Fill time until lunch where I have a gigantic burger except it doesn’t make me feel ill or full. Then ice cream. Then I find £20 in my pocket and go and see a film which I am unexpectedly the star of. Fill time until dinner. Eat a giant steak for dinner. Then ice cream. Do a gig to people who all think I’m brilliant apart from one guy who everyone turns on. Eventually even he admits I am great. Then ice cream. Hit the hay at around 11pm. Get up at 11.30pm for ice cream. Back to bed for a strong 10 hours.

4) Who inspired you to become a comedian?

I went to see Steve Coogan live when I was 13 and left completely in awe. I probably thought about it ever since then. But honestly I don’t think I ever made the actual decision “I am going to be a comedian.” I just started doing it as a hobby and now I get paid for it. The lack of a true career plan will inevitably be my downfall but that’s the way I like it.

5) What is your favourite condiment?

I am a mustard guy but please don’t try and pin me down on which variety, as it differs day to day. Also I ain’t eating eggs without hot sauce (Franks Xtra Hot or Tabasco Chipotle if you must know).

6) Have you made plans for your funeral?

I don’t plan on dying until 2085 when I shall be cremated and have my ashes poured into the circuits of the robot assassin who took my life.

7) How important is satire to you?

Satire is hugely important, but not to me. Political comedy and satire is a necessary and integral part of the art form and as such I refuse to spoil it by trying to have a go at it.

ED GAMBLE WILL PERFORM HIS STAND UP SHOW, GAMBLETRON 5000, AT THE SOHO THEATRE FROM 7TH-9TH MAY

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Chris Coltrane

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Chris Coltrane is a stand up comedian who makes it his business to talk about activism and, in turn, makes a valiant attempt at inspiring his audiences to become more of an engaged and interested part of society. His material is often very political, which, unsurprisingly to some, I find incredibly important due to the relevance of politics in our lives and an apparent lack of it in comedy itself. But Chris can also be silly too, often bordering on surreal, which adds balance to the heavier, political material.
To find out more about Chris, I asked him these seven questions…

1) Are you a productive person?

Let me answer your question with another question: Yes? Here’s my typical day: I wake up at 6am. I then go immediately back to sleep, wake up at 10am, and read the newspaper. To save time I just read every fifth word. Apparently Prince Bodyguard is selling birth to her favourite crown this week. Got to be worth keeping an eye on that story.

After that I’ll put my “pen” in my “hand”, and do some “writing”. I’ll also occasionally email new romantic lyrics to Chromeo. One I thought of today was “Hey girl, you need a man that can respect you / A man to love and hug and kiss and sometimes sex you”. Chromeo usually pays £40 for a high-quality lyric like that. The afternoon is what I call my “special time”, and I’ll thank you not to ask anything more about that. And finally, in the evening I usually smash it at gigs like the Comedy Owl Sanctuary, the Comedy Burger, Tim Vine’s Comedy Sadness, The Alternative Frederick, The Comedy Surgery (where comedians perform comedy next to actual live medical surgery, despite the surgeons pleading with us to stop), and the unpopular Comedy Srjigwmf.

Chris-Coltrane-Photo

2) What would make Britain’s political system more effective?

I honestly think it’s time we gave dogs the vote. Haven’t they proven that they deserve it? They’ve been such good boys, yes they have, and they’re so cute and good aren’t they, yes they are, yes they are. Who’s a good boy? They are, yes they are. I had another idea that we could build “Democracy Pods” in each town, which members of the public can sit in for seven days, after which they’ll transform into a fully functional democracy. Like slugs do before they become butterflies or whatever. The pods would be large, and full of a special scientific slime to aid with the transformation process. I don’t think I need to explain to you the benefits that such pods would bring to British democracy.

3) Has being a comedian ever landed you in trouble?

No, although now you mention it, yes. I knew that all the swans belonged to the Queen – but no-one told me that it was treason to make jokes about swans on stage. Apparently it’s technically illegal to hurt a swan’s feelings. Bloody stupid law, if you ask me. Anyway, I went to prison for 50 years, and now I won’t rest until I’ve wreaked vengeance on the entire Windsor clan.

4) Which meal of the day is the best?

It’s a meal that I invented, called Prµñşt. It’s happens at 2am, when you’ve had your dinner, and you’ve had a little bit of supper before bed, but then you’ve stayed up for another five hours by mistake and you feel really #sad. A cheeky Prµñşt helps to keep you going & stops you from dying. Typical things to eat at Prµñşt include: Toad In The Face, Angry Stir-Fry, Moustache a la carte, Immature cheddar cheese, Honey-glazed fear, Steamed ice in a water sauce, Ladyfingers, “Live Or Die” pizza, Sweet and/or sour butterfly, Lamb waffles, Some cakes, Supercrisps, Cock au vin, Sweet potatoes (1954 vintage), Knuckle sandwich.

5) Are you glad the dinosaurs are extinct?

Yes. Fuck dinosaurs. Creepy eight-legged bastards. Fuck dinosaurs, fuck their webs, and fuck their poison fangs. I’m glad they’re all dead.

6) When was the exact moment you decided to become a comedian?

Actually, I remember the exact day. In 1931, sometime in May (I forget when), I was watching an open mic in Germany, and a new act took to the stage, and told the audience that his name was Adolf Hitlers. I’m sure you can see where this is going! He did a 5 minute set which, to be fair to him, was technically perfect. Great stage presence, excellent timing, he really knew how to perform. And his set was structurally textbook. But the content – well, you can guess. Utterly hack. “Aren’t men and women different”. “What’s the deal with airline food”. “What’s up with self-service checkouts”. So boring! I knew I could do better. And that was the day I decided to become a comedian. Here we are, over 6 years later, and Hitlers has become known as one of history’s greatest monsters. There’s a lesson for us all about the dangers of lazy comedy there.

7) Is there something that the whole world seems to care about, apart from you?

Sports. Whether it be footsball, basketsball, rugsball, hockeying, sprints, badmanton, horses, tennips, keep-them-up, “John’s Game”, or a simple game of goals, nothing interests me less than the idea of sports. If I had one wish, I’d wish for everyone to stop caring about sports. And if I had two wishes, I’d wish for it twice, just to make absolutely sure that sports STAYED THE HELL AWAY from me and my seventeen awful daughters.

FOR INFORMATION REGARDING GIGS, PODCASTS AND TO VIEW CHRIS COLTRANE’S 2014 LIVE COMEDY SHOW ONLINE FOR FREE, VISIT HIS WEBSITE

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…

Seven Questions With… Iain Stirling

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Iain StirlingIain Stirling is an Edinburgh-born stand up comedian with a charmingly childish look in his eye and an aptitude for incorporating personal elements into his often quite silly anecdotal stand up style. Stirling was a finalist in the Chortle Student Comedian Of The Year competition in 2009 and has since gone on to work as a CBBC presenter and actor, as well as appearing on Russell Howard’s Good News and Sweat the Small Stuff.
I asked Iain these seven questions to learn a little more…

1) Do you care about the Royal family?

Not particularly, perplexed if anything. Should people still wear crowns in 2015? Doesn’t feel right.

2) How many wrongs make a right?

None.

3) Which comedians do you most enjoy gigging with?

Tom Webb, Joe Lycett, Steve Bugeja, Mark Smith, Liam Williams, Carl Donnelly, Joel Dommett, Romesh Ranganathan and everyone at The Stand Comedy Club in Edinburgh!

4) Do your parents take your comedy career seriously?

I have a law degree, I think that gives you a fair idea of their stance on the matter.

5) Something that makes you feel out of place?

Posh clothes shops.

6) Ever been responsible for the death of a pet?

No comment.

7) Can people trust you?

People yes, pets no.

IAIN STIRLING BRINGS HIS SHOW: EVERYTHING TO THE SOHO THEATRE ON 17TH-18TH APRIL

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH…